PART441 FACING FEAR


Tuesday, 13th, September, 2011.

A very lack luster amount of attention on my blog this last month or so. My general excuse is that I am too busy and I was very pleased and convinced with my reason until this morning. I had just had 3 days off, I couldn’t go skiing because there is a big boring storm tarting around the slopes and being the stingy money hoarder I have become I didn’t want to get any of my savings out and I had spent my general money for the week. I worked out furiously at the gym until I was purple in the face and felt very sick. Three days of sick making muscle busting with no skiing. I also went and watched the England vs Argentina game at the keg bar. I sunk a few cold ones and enjoyed the game up to about half time when I rememberd from my last week’s reintroduction to booze that I no longer really like the sensation of being drunk. The rugby game didn’t entertain me anymore, lots of missed kicks and only one try, England won and I went home unsatisfied. Usually the only thing which used to get me back home was when most everyone had also gone home or if I was too drunk to carry on but frankly I was itching to go home even before half time. I just felt like I was wasting my time spending money on beer and sitting in a noisy bar when I could be at home sleeping. Truly I have become old man Tim as my New Zealand friends call me.

 

So back to the point, lackadaisical approach to blog, myself suitably excused without any feelings of guilt from the task, then I had to wake up this morning and go to work. The bloody storm had dropped its guts all over the ruddy mountain and we spent the whole day furiously digging out the lifts in a wet blizzard of soggy freezing rain. I was digging hard but I think myself and two other brits were the only ones who can be accused of working hard.

The other kiwi, Jono, hated by all, me included was trying desperately hard to do as little as possible, he even went so far as to make even more work for us. Myself and this other brit who was from Croydon where digging the ramp of the giant chair lift, shifting the snow to either side and doing it very well, then Jono the burk comes along and begins to deice the chairs as they run over the ramp so that all the blue ice falls on our lovely groomed ramp.  Jono was told several times to stop it and he did to a certain extent, just deicing at the very back of the ramp so a huge pile of ice was left for us to move before we finished and I am boring myself again with such pettiness.

The point I am mangling and failing to get out onto the page is that this day of dank thankless labor with a few really rotten apples, a missed breakfast and a sore back reignited my dream to become a writer. I am not going to do these sorts of jobs for the rest of my life. As enjoyable and experience enriching as all this is it’s not a career path.

As much as I wish I could just throw a few master pieces onto the page whenever I feel like it I think the sobering fact is that if I ever want to have a chance at making any money out of writing I will have to work doggedly hard at it and writing a daily blog is at least a step in that direction, whereas no writing at all is a shuffle back down the slippery fast track to nothingness.

There was a rugged satisfaction about today, it bought back my time as a snow maker, seeing the mountain ragging again, no longer a customer clogged money maker but what it always has been, a wild inhospitable craggy mountain where you have to fight just to stand up. A bad tempered temperamental big bastard.

I went to the gym after work and strained away letting out this endless energy I have. Pushing myself with running until my lungs are like an iron cage burning, leg squats which make my knees buckle and thighs burn, my bulbous head vains throbbing wildly.

Not quite sated and with still some more energy to squander I took Sarah to the indoor rock climbing center in town. My fear of heights quickly making its self-known.’’ Hello Tim remember me? I am your unreasonable fear which makes you want to poo your pants when your 5 rungs up a ladder’’

Images of school trips when I tried and failed to rock climb, what then looked like terrifying sheer cliffs, my class mates laughing and playing all day as I stood at the bottom holding the rope for them (sorrowful sigh) but now I am stronger, older and with bigger festivals(testicals).

We were given out harnesses and I began to climb an easy wall, large colourful indented circles worked their way up. I climbed slowly and after a few hoists I look down and thought that maybe my balls were not as big as I thought they were ”let go and come down” the broad shouldered muscle woman at the bottom said with a laugh.

I hesitate for a second and a horrid fear freezes me where I am, then I breath and stop thinking and let go. A buzzing noise from the automatic safety harness on the ceiling and I make my way to the ground with a rush of relief and excitement. I try the other walls fast becoming braver; soon I am reaching the ceiling and abseiling down without a hesitation. Sarah picks it up a little slower and has a few moments clinging with fear to the wall unable to move as she works up the courage to abseil down but she comes through and we both laugh as we climb and sail down, shaking our arms as the aching tiredness comes, that feeling when you use muscles you haven’t used before.

We leave sweaty and tired but with a huge grin on our faces. Before today even the thought of rock climbing would have given me an uncomfortable feeling of fear but now that I have faced my fears and overcome them I cannot wait to go again. The rush of fear, the achievement afterwards, is addictive, life affirming. It’s what it’s all about. Don’t live in fear, get yourself into uncomfortable places, work hard at what you want to become and face your fears. I have managed to do all these things today and I am genuinely happy and content. If you do what you have always done you will get what you have always got and you will end up forgetting what it’s like to challenge yourself.

To some a bit of amateur rock climbing would be boring and tame but for me it was a demon I should have faced a long time ago.

I am reinspired to work at my writing again.

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One thought on “PART441 FACING FEAR

  1. You spent the winter swinging fearlessly from snow blowing guns while all around you wet themselves just reading your blogs about it – remind your demons of that next time they dare to peep round the edge of a steepness!

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